#20 Doritos

Here at Suff Stoners Like we aim to please, man. Several of our stoner friends have written in touting Doritos as the ultimate stoner food. So…who are we not to investigate, right?

So we decided to test that theory. And, well it’s true…stoners love those fucking Doritos, man. It’s almost like the quintessential stoner food. Walk into a stoner’s pad and you’ll surely see an episode of Taxi on TV and a half-full bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos on the coffee table.

And, that’s what we did, man. We visited 100 homes of known stoners and at every single place we found Doritos. Some of them stoners were outta weed, but they weren’t outta Doritos. In fact, maybe that shit substitutes for weed? Because they’re fucking addictive, man…like Krispy Kremes to a fat kid they’re freakin’ irresistible. In fact that powder coatin’ ’em is pro’lly Smokin’ Cheddar BBQ-flavored keef, I bet you. If you smoked that shit…you’d get super hi.

In fact they make Doritos specifically for stoners, man. You’ve heard of Baked Doritos, right? That shit ain’t no pun, dude…that shit’s subliminal marketing. Baked? Well, then..eat some Baked Doritos! And, some of those fucking flavors couldn’t have been conceived by someone who wasn’t stoned. Give me a break, dude. Who the fuck would come up with the idea of Collision Doritos like Hot Wings/Blue Cheese, Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch, and Pizza Cravers/Ranch, but a STONER! I mean a pregnant woman wouldn’t even crave that shit, right?

So ya know…it’s true. Doritos just might be the ultimate munchy food item. And, why not, they’re cheap, they’re readily available (theres pro’lly a bag of ’em sitting in your cupboard right now) and well, they’re purty fuckin’ tasty.

Dangers abounds though. We can’t begin to tell you the amount of times we’ve seen joints stained orange from Doritos fingers! That orange powder shit gets all over the fucking place, dude. And, it’s fully bad etiquette to lick your fingers before you hit a J, so it’s got no other place to go than on the joint you are hittin’. But, maybe that’s the point? Some stoners might actually prefer their joints Spicy or Cool Ranch flavored.

 

BREAKING NEWS — Cheech and Chong are Back

Fuck the Big Lebowski and that lame-ass Pineapple Express. If you want the real deal pot comedy, watch any Cheech and Chong movie. Or just catch them on tour!

Yep, the original weed comedy duo Cheech and Chong are back and will be coming to a town near you during their Light Up America and Canada tour! Their pesky 27 year-old feud has gone up in smoke! So bring it on.

The gigs will be a mixture of their funny-ass old school (Born In East LA, Up in Smoke, Nice Dreams) material as well as some newly crafted joints.

And, speaking of joints will Cheech and Chong be stoned on tour? What the fuck do you think! Nowadays they don’t even need to bring their own smoke. “It’s like bringing coal to Newcastle,” says Chong of the availablitlity of free weed that their fame allows. “If you need weed, you can get it faster than a pizza almost anywhere”.

 

BREAKING NEWS — Cannabis Can Fight Drug-Resistant Bacteria

Scientists from Italy and the United Kingdom, who published their research in the Journal of Natural Products last month, say that cannabis-based creams can be used to treat persistent skin infections. Substances harvested from pot plants can outperform antibiotics in the battle against drug-resistant bacteria. The compounds, called cannabinoids, appear to be unaffected by the mechanism that superbugs like MRSA use to evade existing antibiotics.

Cannabis has been used as a treatment for turbuerculosis among other diseases since the 1950s, contains substances with antibacterial properties. Unfortunately, there is limited knowledge about these properties since medical weed wisdom is usually clouded with controversy.

Giovanni Appendino of the Piemonte Orientale University, in Italy, and Simon Gibbons of the School of Pharmacy at the University of London, U.K., have revisited the antibiotic power of marijuana by systematically testing different cannabinoids’ ability to kill MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) a bacterium that can cause infections and does not respond to many antibiotics.

 

BREAKING NEWS — Stoners Want Refund for Seized Pot

A Colorado couple is seeking compensation for cannabis plants that were taken by police and left to die. The pair claim the 39 marijuana plants that were seized were grown for medical purposes. “All the plants were dead,” said Brian Vicente, one of the attorneys for the couple. “Some had turned to liquid – this black, moldy liquid. There was mold over everything.”

The court case was eventually thrown out.

Now the couple is taking the police to court seeking $200,000 compensation. Under Colorado state law, seized property should not be negelccted or destroyed. Of the 12 states that have legalized marijuana for medical use, Colorado stands out for its law specifying that police must not “harm, neglect or destroy” seized plants in such cases, said Noah Mamber, legal services coordinator for advocacy group Americans for Safe Access.

 

#18 Cold Pizza

Fois gras, caviar? Uhm, no. What stoners really like to eat is cold pizza. Why? Well, for one: it’s already made and two: well, it’s already fucking made, man. There’s nothing better to a stoner than a bong rip and then a trip, to the refrigerator–that is, to find a cold beer and what soon will be their roommate’s left-over, cold pepperoni pizza.

Did I mention the true beauty of cold pizza? That you don’t have to do anything other than bite into that shit to enjoy it? No heating necessary, man! It’s kind of like that lame-ass raw food craze all those actors are following.

Even the most picky stoner will enjoy a slice of cold pizza. You see, as a pizza gets cold…it gets easier to pry off those undesireable toppings. And, according to stoners, the more stoned you are the more attractive a slice of pizza becomes. Truly, what stoner really wants olives or pineapple or bell peppers on their pizza? But, if that’s what your pussy-whipped, roomate’s girfriend insisted on ordering last night, well then…peel off those bell pepper and have at it!

Eating left-over cold pizza is way better than dealing with the rigors of having a hot one delivered. By eating cold pizza stoners don’t even have to get up off the couch and open the door to some pimply-faced teeny bopper delivery dude. Cold pizza, well…it’s just waiting for ’em…sitting pretty in the refrigerator…on a dirty plate…all dried out…next to a Zima and what looks to be a nasty-ass science experiment.  And, pizza is one of those few things that even tastes better cold than it does warm. Just ask Sting or Lisa Bonet how that raw food diet is treatin’ ’em and how that raw fucking knob of cauliflower tastes compared to a fat slice of cold mushroom and sausage pizza. And you know what…cold pizza is safe to eat when you are stoned. Imagine the amount of risk involved with molten cheese while you are stoned. In fact, all pizza should be consumed cold when stoned.

Stumble It!

 

#11 When Customer Service Refuses to Address Your Concerns

Well, let’s take a break.

We’ve discussed 10 things that stoners like…now let’s talk about something they don’t. That something is when an indignant customer service representative refuses to address a stoners concerns.

This is an actual email reply from customer service:

Subject
YOUR COMPANY SUCKS!
Discussion Thread
Response (Priscilla)	06/19/2008 05:52 AM
Hello, Calling people names and wishing immediate death upon our personnel is not the way to get people to help you. Your e-mail is very offensive and your concerns will not be addressed. Priscilla Ticketing Customer Service Department Musictoday, LLC The Artist/Fan Connection www.musictoday.com
Customer (say ten voneryk)	06/18/2008 05:16 PM
I called yesterday right after your web site crashed as I was trying to purchase 2 tickets to the black crowes on 12/19. It was 2:03…some asshole that works there said that the sale was postponed until today at 2pm. Well guess what..that asshole was wrong! now i have no fucking tickets and have jumped through so many god damn hoops for nothing! fuck you! and fuck your company!! I hope whoever reads this DIES IMMEDIATELY! FUCK YOU DIE DIE DIE!!!

Stumble It!

 

#11 The Black Crowes

Of course stoners like the Black Crowes, well, because who doesn’t love watching or reading about two rock star brothers killing one another? But, that’s not the point….

We’ve discussed 10 things that stoners like…now let’s talk about something they don’t. That something is when an indignant customer service representative refuses to address a stoner’s concerns. Especially when that concern stands in the way of getting stoned at a Black Crowes concert. And, getting Chris Robinson to be our best friend and share his weed and beer and women with us. Then drive us back to his place where we could hang out with him and his brother and his kids and eventually end up  in his home studio where he’d shower us with compliments and good food and free guitars and stickers and then write a kick-ass new album dedicated to us all about how cool we are. And, then let us sleep in his bed that night right next to him and make us waffles in the morning…but, sadly that never happened…(sigh).

This is an actual email reply from customer service:

Subject
YOUR COMPANY SUCKS!
Discussion Thread
Response (Priscilla)	06/19/2008 05:52 AM
Hello, Calling people names and wishing immediate death upon our personnel is not the way to get people to help you. Your e-mail is very offensive and your concerns will not be addressed. Priscilla Ticketing Customer Service Department Musictoday, LLC The Artist/Fan Connection www.musictoday.com
Customer (say ten voneryk)	06/18/2008 05:16 PM
I called yesterday right after your web site crashed as I was trying to purchase 2 tickets to the black crowes on 12/19. It was 2:03…some asshole that works there said that the sale was postponed until today at 2pm. Well guess what..that asshole was wrong! now i have no fucking tickets and have jumped through so many god damn hoops for nothing! fuck you! and fuck your company!! I hope whoever reads this DIES IMMEDIATELY! FUCK YOU DIE DIE DIE!!!

Stumble It!