# -4 Matches

Matches are for suckers or for people who don’t have lighters. Why? Because they suck..that’s why. Have you ever tried to spark up a fat bowl with a match? Oh you did…did you? Well, how many times did those matches break before you got in the car and drove to 7-11 to buy a fucking lighter?

Matches, what a joke. You might as well go rub two sticks together or something because matches are just about useless. The wind blows, they go out. The wind changes direction, they go out, you breathe too heavy, they go out. You’re girlfriend farts and well, either you all explode into a million li’l charred stinky bits or the match goes out. Yep, useless little things those matches are. They’re manipulative too…make you think they’re gonna work, make ya think they’re going to help you get high, but nope. All they do is burn your fingers. Matches might as well be prohibitionist because they’re not helping anyone get high.

You ever drop a match in your lap? Of course, who hasn’t? One second you’re lighting a joint with a match,  you’ve got a cheeseburger and the steering wheel in the other hand, hit a bump, and now your crotch is on fire.  Well, that shit doesn’t happen when you drop a lighter.

You pull too hard on a bong rip and out goes that li’l sadistic match. Now you’ve gotta put that hot li’l fucker down and pull off  another. Close the god damn flap find the li’l sandpaper part and try it all over again. All the while you’re missing the A-Team on TV and you’re not even stoned yet!

You know the colloquialism that everyone tells kids, “Don’t play with matches”? You know why folks tell ’em that? Well, it’s reverse psychology, man. If you tell those li’l fuckers not to play with lighters, they’ll actually accomplish starting a fire and burn the fucking house down.

 

# -3 Senseless Violence

You know when Pete Townshend would get all mad at his Rickenbacker and smash it into a million little pieces all over the stage and you’d say to yourself, “Shit, Pete, man…why don’t you just give that fucking beautiful geetar to me?” Well, that’s how stoners feel every time they see some footage of a helicopter lifting up a bail of freshly murdered marijuana or see weed being burned alive or slashed in half with Chancho’s mom’s lucky machete. It’s just so fucking terribly tragic. Why not force us to sit and watch Pineapple Express or a movie that Madonna starred in or something…because that’s just some fucked up shit to show to a stoner.

Really, what sadistic motherfucker likes to see photos or footage of innocent plants being massacred…especially marijuana plants? Seriously, DEA dudes, what did those adorable little harmless plants do to you guys? Don’t you know that plants have feelings? And, because marijuana wants to help humans so much, marijuana has the most feelings of any plant in the whole world. It’s true. Stoners know it, they can see the pain and strife all over those plants just by witnessing the footage or the photographs of such senseless slaughter. Why…oh…why do you have to recklessly destroy life with such pleasure, anti-marijuana dudes?

Maybe it is kinda funny. I mean look at these marijuana eradication dudes…they look just like the guys who hunted that fishy dreadlocked Admaral Akbar looking thing in all those Predator movies, jumping out of military-style helicopters and shit…carrying weapons and wearing camouflage. Wait? Wasn’t one of those dudes saying that “it’s time for debate” on the issue of legalizing marijuana or something? Eh, maybe we were just dreaming. Anyhow, what’s the need for such an arsenal gentlemen, it’s not like those big bad marijuana plants are trying to exterminate you or anything. Wait? Are you guys afraid of a bunch of gardeners or something?

Almost as disturbing as the slaughter of helpless innocent female marijuana plants is the attitude of the reporters and agents on these erradication raids. Have you ever seen ’em? Notice how giddy they appear. It’s not because they think they’re doing the world a favor by destroying it’s medicine or winning the war on drugs or anything. You’d be smiling and all happy as hell too if you were filling an entire helicopter full of free weed to smoke!

 

# -2 Aerosmith

Imagine a bar band dressed in whatever they could find on the dirty floor of a thrift store or stowed away in Davey Jones Locker, with a singer that sorta looks and moves like Mick Jagger in the dark, and you have Aerosmith.

Yeah, we agree that for a second things looked promising when Aerosmith took a look at themselves and realized they were nothing but a magpie act. So they ventured out of their comfy zone of classic rock plagiarism and collabed with Run DMC. Remember that shit? All of a sudden Aerosmith were turning fresh from hesh. Well, that freshness lasted as long as a bong hit. And, that collaboration did for Run DMC what Aerosmith thought it would do for them…give ’em some credibility. But just how much credibility can you have when you share the Super Bowl stage with Mary J. Blige, Nelly, ‘N Stync, and Britney Spears?

It’s not like stoners don’t dig bar bands, or rock and roll, or singers that hang a bunch of fucking bandannas off their microphone stand. Okay that’s not entirely true, we’re not sure if stoners dig that bandanna shit or not. Bandanna danglin’ seems sorta lame and passe. But, who are we to judge? Maybe they’re all vintage and cool. Either way they’re great for singers who can’t actually sing because they’re an awesome way to hide cords going from a microphone to a voice synthesizer. Oh, and speaking of vintage…so what if Aerosmith has been around for a while…are they as vintage as Zeppelin? No…they just look that way because they aren’t aging well and they’re trying to copy everything about Zep.

Instead of adding the lame tune “Dude Looks Like a Lady” to accompany the film Mrs. Doubtfire, which sorta makes sense, they cram pussy-ass power-ballads that even Tom Jones would be a li’l embarrassed to sing, like “Crying” and  “Amazing”, into lousy chick flicks. “Eat the Rich”, how ironic, right? What, is that some song about eating yourselves or something?

Anyhow, here’s the point…why smoke bammer when you can listen to the Rolling Stones? Did you catch how we just compared Aerosmith to bammer weed right there? Because Aerosmith is the schwagg of Rock ‘n’ Roll! Schwagg is still weed and all, but it’s not all super killer and shit like OG Kush or anything. And, if you were going to pirate some marijuana…like if there was some sort of online marijuana Napster…would you download some Aerosmith weed or are you going to go for some nice Sour Diesel?

That’s all we’re saying, man. Sure, smoke…er, uhm…listen to Aerosmith if that’s all you got, man. But, if that’s all ya got we’ll loan you a fucking buck so you can go download something authentic to listen to while you get stoned.

 

# -1 Kids

Sure, they’re cuddly and cute when they aren’t all covered in grape jelly, or snot, or afterbirth. It’s not that stoners don’t dig kids, they think kids are cool, man… it’s just that kids ruin everything and they’re such buzzkills. Just imagine how fucking awesome Chuck E Cheese would be without kids. Getting stoned at that place would totally rule, wouldn’t it? Pizza, beer, flashing lights, unstable structures, bad music from a fuzzy robot band starring a duck, a purple Gimmace-looking monster motherfucker, some dude that looks like Cap’n Lou Albano meets Super Mario all fronted by a big fucking rodent. Sounds like Burning Man and shit, doesn’t it?

You see…being around kids usually requires responsibility. That’s the real shit stoners don’t like; responsibility. And, the kids don’t even have to be yours, bro. That responsibility shit permeates, it’s pervasive when kids are in sight. Who needs responsibility when you’re getting your smoke on and shit? And, seriously nothing kills a buzz faster than changing a diaper. Dirty diapers have nothing but poop and kids in ’em. Nobody likes poop. So kids are totally gross by association.

So here’s just a few more drawbacks to kids. Kids are broke, man. They never have any money on ’em and even if they did, what’s a $5 allowance gonna get ya? You can’t even score a joint for five bucks nowadays. Kids can’t drive. They usually have horrible taste in sandwiches and music and love watching shitty television shows like Barney and Teletubbies. Why are kids surrounded by purple monster motherfuckers all the time? Actually, Teletubbies is purty fucking trippy when you’re stoned, so that’s not really a drawback. But, Kids don’t usually dig watching the game on TV. And, when you mute the TV while the Wizard of Oz is playing and turn up Dark Side of the Moon on the stereo they complain. Kids just don’t get the Yellow Submarine at all AND if you don’t wash ’em every once in a while or keep ’em clean…they begin to smell. And, they’re loud. You think your alarm clock is loud and obnoxious…ever hear a fat kid lose it when the ice cream truck rolls by without stopping?

Man, stoners don’t like kids because they drain wallets leaving no money left for weed, never have a lighter on ’em when you need one, they can’t roll a decent joint to save their lives and all their toys suck nowadays. Those cheap-ass things break the very second you try and transform them from a fucking robot to a dinosaur…and it’s not because you’re stoned! Kids whine all the time. They even whine when they get FREE weed in their McDonald’s Happy Meal. Damn, unappreciative li’l brats. If we got FREE weed in a fuckin’ happy meal, you wouldn’t hear us complainin’. We’d not only be way stoked we’d eat hamburgers every fucking day!

Kids prefer juice in a box or a li’l impossible-to-open pouch over beer, they don’t dig the best part of the pizza, they can’t work a carb, they always get the remote control sticky and they seem to make not only weed dealers nervous but the guys behind the counter at porn and head shops a little nervous too.  So, aside from supplying stoners with a bit of free candy on November 1st kids aren’t really good for anything.