#30 Everyone Poops

Everyone Poops
by Taro Gomi
A book review by Stuff Stoners Like

People often turn to books to take a closer look at issues that are important to them. Everyone, including stoners, want a book that relates to their own world view and literature that either reaffirms or extends that view and allows them to share it with the world; Everyone Poops, by Taro Gomi, makes that happen. This wonderfully informative book, chock full of awesome pictures of poop, is a brave and captivating attempt to explain that everyone poops and everyone who poops can benefit from marijuana!

Experimenting with marijuana can signal a period of either great defiance or one of great achievement for kids…much like potty-training. This book successfully addresses their natural curiosity about marijuana by showing them that their curiosity about marijuana is as natural as a bear shitting in the woods because let’s face it…Dora the Exploradora ain’t gonna tell kid’s shit about weed.

The bright photos of fun and exotic animals aren’t as cool as catching a nice boob shot in a National Geographic pictorial or anything but seeing the various animals as they’re all stoked to pose with their poop does brilliantly reinforce the idea that marijuana is as natural as pooping.

Much like the diversity of stoners, Everyone Poops has an underlying diversity theme illustrated by the emphasis placed on the different poopers and their individual poop. This sends the message to kids that all of our bodies are different and we all have different reasons to smoke weed as portrayed by the multitude of animals with unique body shapes and sizes.

Everyone Poops takes a fascinating approach to detailing the variety of marijuana available today. They cleverly depict that variety through the variety of excrement that comes outta the variety of asses in the book. “An elephant makes a big poop, a mouse makes a tiny poop, a one-hump camel makes a one-hump poop, and a two hump-camel makes a two-hump poop” says the book, just like a West Coast Sour Diesel plant makes West Coast Sour Diesel buds and Purple Kush plants make delicious Purple Kush. The book even touches on the diversity of the aroma of weed by covering the “different smells” of poop.

We love how the book covers the different environments in which growers can cultivate weed too, like indoor or outdoor by illustratinging the varied environments where fish and birds and bugs poop.

Animals have different methods of taking a shit and obviously stoners have different methods of getting stoned. “Some stop to poop, others do it on the move” just like some stoners use a bong and others use a hollowed-out apple because they spent all their money on weed and beer and don’t have any left for a pack of papers.

The biting social commentary comes by way of an ignorant rhinoceros, however. Rhinoceroses make really big poops, by the way, as you’ll notice if you actually take our advice and read this book. Apparently, rhinoceroses pay no attention when they poop. They’re ignorant and careless about  the needs and feelings of those around them, much like prohibitionists and DEA agents.

After finishing this book we completely agree that  everyone eats, so everyone poops and it’s under-stated metaphor…marijuana is for everyone and if you don’t like it…you’re just a poopy-head.

 

#29 Grocery Shopping

Much like any other outing stoners might experience while stoned, grocery shopping is an adventure. Remember that scene in The Wizard of Oz where everything is all black and white and shit and then all of a sudden everything turns to color right as Dorothy flings open the door to Oz and Pink Floyd’s “Money“ starts playing? Well, uh…the Pink Floyd soundtrack is optional but,  that scene plays out each and every time a stoner walks in to the produce section at Safeway.

To a stoner, the produce department is a feast for the eyes. It’s filled with wild shapes and crazy textures and bright jewels of every color…like that fucking obnoxious Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat that Jesus dude wore in that pansy play.

Anyhow, the funny thing about stoners shopping for food is that they have an amazing knack for finding food that contains no food. Want some proof? Okay, see the dude in the sunglasses and the hoodie loitering in the cereal isle? He’s not smiling at all the low prices…he’s stoned, man. Now, go look in his shopping cart. It’s filled with things like Cap’n Chrunchula, Cheesey Poofs, FunOnions and Chocotacos and shit…all of which contain absolutely no food. See what I mean?

Very quickly grocery shopping morphs into a munchy run with a shopping cart and endless possibilities. Everything suddenly looks delicious…especially things within close proximity. Within no time at all after promenading up and down a few isles, stoners find there cart completely filled with a bunch of awkward ingredients that a chef at a bad Chinese restaurant couldn’t even combine into a stir fry.

Sure it was all fun and games at the store with all the flashing lights and colorful displays and they ice cream isle and stuff, but then they get home…start to unpack the groceries and unlike a memorable adventure they have virtually no memory of the event…let alone remember why they thought picking up a few bags of Skittles, Beer Nuts, Joe Perry’s Hot Sauce (Aerosmith) Rock Your World Boneyard Brew, and a lighter shaped like a gorilla with flashing red eyes was a good idea?

 

#28 Hoodies

It’s true, sometimes stoners will admit to a slight bit of paranoia right after smoking a joint, man. One minute smoking weed in a parking lot behind a Safeway seems like a really good idea and then all of a sudden you take a hit and every single person is watching you. That’s precisely why stoners love hoodies. Because to a stoner…the hooded sweatshirt is a cloaking device. Don’t want anyone starring at you while you exhale? Don’t want anyone to notice your bright red-eyes? Don’t want to entertain any conversations? Of course you don’t…you’re stoned and slightly paranoid. That’s why hoodies have hoods…up goes the hood and well, you’re now stoned and invisible (and slightly delusional).

Much like an all-over Indica-induced body high the right  hoodie is like a big giant hug. A hug that wreaks of weed. The hoodie, well, to a stoner it’s a thing of comfort…a baby blanket, if you will.

It’s true, man, we hate to break it to you guys like this, but Linus was a total stoner. And, you thought Shaggy was the OG cartoon stoner, didn’t ya? Yep, let the story begin. At the last minute good ol’ Charles Schultz realized that he better replace Linus’s dirty hoodie with a blanket or his cute li’l comic strip wouldn’t survive. Oh and get this, Linus wasn’t a chronic thumb-sucker. Originally, Linus was known for always sucking down bong hits.

There you have it, people. No matter how you slice it…hoodies are probably the most beloved item in every stoner’s wardrobe.

 

#27 Cheating on Tests

Oh yeah, stoners love to cheat on tests…are you kidding us? No, man, we’re not talking about cheating on algebra or biology exams. Although, we imagine some stoners’ll cheat on those too. What we’re talking about is, of course, the dreaded…the most heinous…the drug test. Sure there are a lot of high-school-aged stoners out there who’d rather smoke weed and listen to Black Sabbath than study and go to class. And, well, those are pro’lly the same stoners who’ll be referring to this article for years to come.

Yep, the dreaded drug test comes in a variety of intrusive forms. Screeners can look for traces of THC in urine, blood, hair, whatever…it’s all forensic and shit…like a freakin’ episode of Special Homicidal Investigator Crime Scene Victim Unit or whatever the fuck that show is called. Undoubtedly, the most common screen for weed is the pee test, though. It’s cheap and well, let’s face it, not everyone’s got hair, but everyone’s gotta pee sometime. The pee test has to be one of the most un-cool, embarrassing and down-right violating tests in existence. Well, that and anything the fucking DMV throws at ya. Just a paper-thin, tiny, plastic cup is all that stands in the way of a stoner and their dream job, or staying outta jail, or keeping a gold medal in snowboarding…not to mention a full-bladder’s worth of urine.

Speaking of pee tests, there are tons of ways to cheat on ’em, dude. And, a few of them actually work so pay attention! You can swap your tainted-pee with Snapple Lemonade for one. We hear it works like a charm and it tastes great too. Some stoners prefer to go the exotic route of ingesting a lethal substance like a bit of bleach mixed with water. Sure it tastes horrible, but it’s not as bad as some of those weed salad dressings dispensaries are hawkin’ nowadays. Some stoners, we hear, put a bit of laundry detergent under a finger nail then piss on it to mix it into their urine. Those are the same stoners who make sure to dribble pee all over the cup and shake the hands of all the nurses and doctors on the way out. Watch out for them…they’re pro’lly looking to get food-service or Government jobs. We’ve heard tales of chuggin’ a few gallons of vinegar to burn out the THC or getting someone else’s piss like Tommy Chong’s pregnant sister’s. He got her to pee in a mason jar, it’s too bad Cheech drank it, however. (Note: drinking Chong’s pregnant sister’s pee will not help you pass a drug test).

In fact, a whole industry has emerged to help stoners pass  piss tests with technology including drinks that’ll magically flush out your system to drinks that’ll mask “certain” chemicals. And,  you can even buy a bag that straps to your leg, has a heater, and is filled with synthetic pee…which would be a great gag gift by the way.

Anyhow, stoners sure love to cheat on tests. Still wondering how the last three dudes who landed the job of ohhh…say…the President of the United States of America got that gig despite smoking pot? Yeah, we aren’t either…

 

#26 Road Trips

Road trips are pretty cool. But, road trips while stoned are legendary. Being out on the open road, the wind in your hair, ashing a bowl right out the window, smoking a joint while driving and eating a cheeseburger… incorporates just about everything stoners hold dear; loud music, snacks, and being stoned.

Sober, road trips can be a real drag, man. I mean, you’ve seen all those ancient-80’s European Vacation movies, right? You know why those Griswolds had such a miserable fucking time? Sure that Bullshit Bullwinkle amusement park was closed and Gramma croaked and all. That bunk shit would kind of bum anyone out a li’l bit…but the real reason…the true reason those Griswold motherfuckers had such a terrible fucking time was because they were not stoned! Well, except for the daughter. She picked up some schwag from her cousin or something along the way. And, you know what…that was the fucking highlight of her trip.

Think about it, to a stoner a road trip is  really pretty similar to  a munchy run. It’s like one really long-ass drawn-out munchy run that never ends…

And, the wonderful advantages that puffing a joint brings to the perception of everyday life does wonders for road trips. It actually ensures that all road trips are epic. It’s a mandate. No…Marijuana is like insurance. It’s like built-in automatic fun insurance. You smoke a bowl and all of a sudden traffic  becomes tolerable…shit it becomes the perfect opportunity to brush up on phonetics as you try and decipher all those obnoxious vanity plates. All of a sudden a flat tire becomes an advernturous adventure and that hit-and-run becomes the story you always tell at every party and always seems to start off with the phrase “This one time,  I was soooo  stoned…”.

 

#25 Skittles

Skittles? All stoners love ’em. Yeah, with munchies ragin’ full-on the stoned have been known to eat ’em up by the hand fulls. Why? well, stoners fully endorse Skittles not only because  they’re delicious but because, really…who the hell DOESN’T want to taste a fucking rainbow, right? Seriously, way before that brilliant marketing campaign ran, stoners would ponder that shit. In fact, savvy marketers created that campaign solely to attract stoners. It’s an age-old stoner paradox; “dude, what does a rainbow taste like?”

Just drive by any high school at say lunch time or right after school lets out and you’ll see the stoned kids laying around in open fields starring off into the clouds. And, just what the hell do you think they’re pondering, rainbow high in the sky or not? Exactly, they’re wondering just what are the flavors of the rainbow.

Well, luckily the Mars Corporation has answered that very question in the form of a small colorful li’l candy. So like here’s the breakdown of the flavors of the rainbow:

• Red – Strawberry
• Orange – Orange
• Yellow – Banana
• Green – Frog
• Blue – Smurf
• Violet – Purple Stuff
• Indigo – Cherry

Well, rainbows taste like that shit listed above AND hydrogenated corn oil. But, who knew? One thing we do know is that Lil Wayne might just be a stoner. Okay, who the fuck are we kidding, he’s the epitome of stoner. And well, we also hear that that motherfucker loves Skittles. And, get this, we even hear that that motherfucker Lil Wayne, who loves Skittles, wears a fat diamond grill just so he can eat Skittles all day long with impunity! Imagine that…diamond coated teeth just for stoned Skittle-eatin’ impunity. Now that’s a real stoner!

 

#24 Star Trek

If a stoner is stoned enough they’ll just sit there and watch the blinking lights on a fucking Christmas tree, right? Well, that’s precisely why Star Trek is the quintessential stoner TV show, man. It’s filled with blinking lights and shit. They’ve got full walls filled with blinking lights and command centers filled with blinking lights and spaceships with tons of blinking lights all over ’em. Oh, and Star Trek has got a whole bunch of hot chicks on it too! So what if they’re purple and have antennas…they still have big boobs, right? And, what’s not to like about boobs?

Star Trek is all super colorful too, dude. It’s like a cartoon with real actors (if you can call that shit acting). I mean look at Captain Kirk for instance…he’s the ultimate stoner! That dude’s so animated how could he not be a completely stoned cartoon parody? But just the bright-ass visuals alone are captivating to stoners. And, don’t get started on all the cool gadgets and the awesome soundtrack. I mean, the sound the phasers make and that “schwaaa” sound all the doors make when they open are just soooo cool when stoned, right? How many stoners wished their welcome mat sounded that rad?

Star Trek is funny as hell too, man. Wait? What? Are you certain… Star Trek isn’t a comedy? you lie! So all that running-across-the-room-and- slamming-into-walls thing they do during ill-fated Klingon attacks is really supposed to be believable? Ohh…we get it now. Star Trek is a drama. A portrayal of a Utopian society, eh? Marijuana must be legal in their part of the universe then! Never-the-less Star Trek is the shit when stoned.

Because when you are stoned, suspending belief is easy, another reason why 9 out of 10 stoners choose Star Trek. The show is set in the future but all of a sudden the dudes are fighting off lions and tigers in ancient Rome or they go back to some other fucked-up past decade and meet up with a ton of creatures that look about as real as toilet paper stuffed bras. Being stoned really does help when watching Star Trek however, because no one in their right mind thinks Trebbles are cute and big booby-ed purple chicks are that easy, right?

And, well…obviously stoners are only interested in the old school Star Trek because even they’re not high enough to believe George Costanza (Jason Alexander had bit parts on Star Trek: The Next Generation) would make a good alien!

Question? If one Borg gets stoned…does the entire collective get stoned too?

 

#23 Taco Bell

So here’s the thing about Taco Bell…they keep their menu super simple…for stoners. Sure they have a ton of “items” listed up on the board at the drive through, but each one of those items consists of the same few ingredients:

• beans
• meat
• veg
• cheese
• tortillas

Purty simple right? Yep, Taco Bell has done their homework. Every single thing that Taco Bell sells can be fashioned from these simple building blocks de cuisine. Let’s say you are stoned and you want some beans. Now, you can have those beans in a cup or slathered on a tortilla. You can add meat to that…and you got yourself  a 1/2lb. Spicy Beef Combo Burrito. You say you want something crunchy with some beans and ground beef? You’re in luck bro, T-Bell has ya covered with a Chrunch Wrap Supreme.

For a stoner, ordering is a breeze. All stoners have to do is take into consideration what items their munchies dictate and the amount of weed they’ve smoked. If you’ve had a six-pack of bong hits, you don’t need the added responsiblity of balancing items on a tortilla chip. So you’re probably wanting to go for something that’s fully self-contained, like a Burrito or a Taco. Actually, why decide between the two when you can just get yourself one of those fucking tacos encased in a burrito things.

Now, if you’re a li’l less baked, you could get all your items organized into a Nacho Bellgrande, here Taco Bell deconstructs a taco and tosses it onto a paper plate, or they’ll add some more veg and a tortilla shaped like a clam shell and toss you a Taco Salad. Both these items take a bit of coordination but most expert stoners can still manage to drive a stick, find Kyuss on their iPod, smoke a joint, eat a taco salad, and drive at the same time.

Now, stoners should all band together and ask Taco Bell to bring back the one thing that ALL  stoners LOVE.  It’s the only thang they’ve ever offered that doesn’t contain any of the magic ingredients: beans, meat, veg, cheese, tortillas. Can you guess what it is? Lost too many brian cells, have you? Think hard…that’s right…Taco Bell used to sell the pinnacle of stoner food: the Choco Taco!

 

#22 Bob Marley

Happy birthday Bob Marley.

What do stoners NOT like about the legendary Bob Marley? No disrespect, let’s not refer to Bob Marley as a stoner, okay? Joking aside, let us celebrate Bob Marley as the archetypal hero, a musical prophet and the loudest voice of the zeitgeist that was just begging to take hold of the world at large at the time of his untimely and unfortunate passing on May 11, 1981. Marley was only 36.

Marley was so much more than a humble, wise, and infinitely talented artist. He brought hope to the downtrodden, the weak, the marginalized, and the oppressed. Driven by his devotion and passion for Rastafarianism he  inspired the globe to adopt the philosophy of One Love and One World.

Marley was an empath  who was forever deeply in touch with his fellow man and the suffering of the world. His tremendous body of work spoke to  every situation…to every crisis that humanity may face. And for that…there will always be a Bob Marley song to give us understanding, perspective, and quite simply a way to ease that pain.

“One good thing about music, when it hits- you feel no pain”–Bob Marley

 

#21 Pink Floyd

You don’t need weed to enjoy Pink Floyd. You need Pink Floyd to enjoy weed. Of course, stoners like Pink Floyd, man…it’s mandatory!

Why is it mandatory? Well, because Pink Floyd have created the perfect soundtrack for stoner sessions many times over and over already. Dude, who hasn’t smoked a bowl and synched the Dark Side of the Moon with the Wizard of Oz? Some of that shit ain’t no coincidence, man. When Money comes on and Dorothy opens the door and everything turns all color…whoa…that’s some freaky shit, bro. Weed only heightens that experience. And besides, who hasn’t divided up a quarter on the cover of The Wall? Feel me?

Meddle, Wish You Were Here, Animals…damn, just pick one, get stoned, and listen long enough until everything begins to make sense.