#20 Doritos

Here at Suff Stoners Like we aim to please, man. Several of our stoner friends have written in touting Doritos as the ultimate stoner food. So…who are we not to investigate, right?

So we decided to test that theory. And, well it’s true…stoners love those fucking Doritos, man. It’s almost like the quintessential stoner food. Walk into a stoner’s pad and you’ll surely see an episode of Taxi on TV and a half-full bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos on the coffee table.

And, that’s what we did, man. We visited 100 homes of known stoners and at every single place we found Doritos. Some of them stoners were outta weed, but they weren’t outta Doritos. In fact, maybe that shit substitutes for weed? Because they’re fucking addictive, man…like Krispy Kremes to a fat kid they’re freakin’ irresistible. In fact that powder coatin’ ’em is pro’lly Smokin’ Cheddar BBQ-flavored keef, I bet you. If you smoked that shit…you’d get super hi.

In fact they make Doritos specifically for stoners, man. You’ve heard of Baked Doritos, right? That shit ain’t no pun, dude…that shit’s subliminal marketing. Baked? Well, then..eat some Baked Doritos! And, some of those fucking flavors couldn’t have been conceived by someone who wasn’t stoned. Give me a break, dude. Who the fuck would come up with the idea of Collision Doritos like Hot Wings/Blue Cheese, Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch, and Pizza Cravers/Ranch, but a STONER! I mean a pregnant woman wouldn’t even crave that shit, right?

So ya know…it’s true. Doritos just might be the ultimate munchy food item. And, why not, they’re cheap, they’re readily available (theres pro’lly a bag of ’em sitting in your cupboard right now) and well, they’re purty fuckin’ tasty.

Dangers abounds though. We can’t begin to tell you the amount of times we’ve seen joints stained orange from Doritos fingers! That orange powder shit gets all over the fucking place, dude. And, it’s fully bad etiquette to lick your fingers before you hit a J, so it’s got no other place to go than on the joint you are hittin’. But, maybe that’s the point? Some stoners might actually prefer their joints Spicy or Cool Ranch flavored.

 

#19 Paraphernalia

People have all sorts of rituals. Stoners are people too. And, they have a lot of rituals. Those rituals usually center around the type of paraphernalia a stoner likes to use to consume cannabis. And if you haven’t noticed, stoners love that shit, man. They love everything about it. I mean they like to collect it, to use it, to talk about it all the fucking time. Have you ever talked to a stoner about their paraphernalia? It’s like watching a fucking episode of the Antiques Road Show, man. They get all sentimental about their shit. “I smoked my first bowl out of this pipe in jr. high school, man”. You can learn a lot about a stoner by peeking into their stash box to see just what sort of tool they use. Let’s stereotype some stoners right now, shall we?

Let’s take a look at those stoners who prefer joints as their fave means of smoking. Joints are rad. They’re super old-school—since like…native times, man. So joints get some style points right off the bat because that shit’s the o.g. The method is a li’l stale, I mean that shit peaked in the 70’s, but there are some serious purists out there that keep joints alive. Now, these guys need to chop up their weed into tiny li’l-ass pieces, right? And, that’s commonly done with those little nose hair-clippin’ scissors on top of a copy of Frampton Comes Alive. So there ya go: paraphernalia! Sure, it’s a really quick and convenient way to get hi, but there ins’t a whole lot of paraphernalia involved; papers, scissors, Frampton covers, roach clips…nothing too fancy. But, a lot of stoners will tell you that it’s surely the most effective way to get hi. This method is total bargain basement cost-effective too.

There are those who prefer glass. They’ll tell you it’s the best way to get hi too. Glass is expensive, so it’s usually for the stoners who can afford and appreciate green bud. Think about The Wolf in Pulp Fiction, remember when he tasted Tarantino’s coffee and grinned? He knew that was some good shit in his cup. Glass-using stoners are like Mr. Wolf…they know good shit. Those joint dudes, well, they aren’t as discriminating. So, yeah, glass…it comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes and it’s super colorful and well, it’s art.

Then there are the guys who don’t even smoke weed…they vaporize it. That’s like high-tech stoner shit, man. Paper is technology, I mean it’s like man-made and so is glass…but this is some Star Trek-tech type shit. So instead of burning up weed, which creates carcinogens, those nasty cancer causing agents, you hit the weed with some super hot air. And, because thc, the chemical that gets ya hi, has a low smoking point it vaporizes at a low temperature. Since there aren’t any carcinogens these stoners’ll tell ya that this is definitely the best way to get hi. And, well…if you can afford it…maybe they’re right.

 

#18 Cold Pizza

Fois gras, caviar? Uhm, no. What stoners really like to eat is cold pizza. Why? Well, for one: it’s already made and two: well, it’s already fucking made, man. There’s nothing better to a stoner than a bong rip and then a trip, to the refrigerator–that is, to find a cold beer and what soon will be their roommate’s left-over, cold pepperoni pizza.

Did I mention the true beauty of cold pizza? That you don’t have to do anything other than bite into that shit to enjoy it? No heating necessary, man! It’s kind of like that lame-ass raw food craze all those actors are following.

Even the most picky stoner will enjoy a slice of cold pizza. You see, as a pizza gets cold…it gets easier to pry off those undesireable toppings. And, according to stoners, the more stoned you are the more attractive a slice of pizza becomes. Truly, what stoner really wants olives or pineapple or bell peppers on their pizza? But, if that’s what your pussy-whipped, roomate’s girfriend insisted on ordering last night, well then…peel off those bell pepper and have at it!

Eating left-over cold pizza is way better than dealing with the rigors of having a hot one delivered. By eating cold pizza stoners don’t even have to get up off the couch and open the door to some pimply-faced teeny bopper delivery dude. Cold pizza, well…it’s just waiting for ’em…sitting pretty in the refrigerator…on a dirty plate…all dried out…next to a Zima and what looks to be a nasty-ass science experiment.  And, pizza is one of those few things that even tastes better cold than it does warm. Just ask Sting or Lisa Bonet how that raw food diet is treatin’ ’em and how that raw fucking knob of cauliflower tastes compared to a fat slice of cold mushroom and sausage pizza. And you know what…cold pizza is safe to eat when you are stoned. Imagine the amount of risk involved with molten cheese while you are stoned. In fact, all pizza should be consumed cold when stoned.

Stumble It!

 

#17 The Ice Cream Man

Okay, think about this shit for a second. I mean, really, do I even have to explain?

Let’s say you’re a major stoner in the middle of a joint and a vintage episode of Mama’s Family, you know the one where Bubba’s hot blonde girlfriend gets all offended because he decides to take Iola’s fat neice to the prom instead of her? Ya, that one. And, well, you get the munchies. But, you ain’t got shit to eat. Que lastima!

But wait…all of a sudden you hear some crackly-ass version of Pop Goes the Weasel far off in the distance. And it just occurs to you that you aren’t hallucinating, but some motherfucker’s got an ice cream truck and impeccable timing. Bingo, Choco Tacos and Bomb Pops galore! Delivered to your house! Delicous…

I mean to the stoned, this is like a freakin’ dream come true, right? All they’ve got to do is put on some pants and flag the dude down. That’s what’s right on about America, ya know, someone just driving ice cream on over to your place anticipating your need for sweets. That’s like serendipity or something, right?

Now, if this guy, this ice cream man…would only expand his menu to include things like papers, weed, and lighters…he might be really on to something.

 

#16 Talking About Times They Were Stoned

It’s really kind of funny, but have you ever noticed how much stoners love talking about times they were stoned when they’re stoned? Wait…did that come out wrong?

Shite. Well, just think about the last time you were at a party and you were getting stoned. Remember what were you talking about with the other revers as you were smoking a joint? Well, we here at Stuff think you were pro’lly talking about other times you were stoned.

“Oh, ya…this one time me and Dude were all on the freeway, man, and I was sooo high. Oh ya, I was all wearin’ my storm trooper costume and shit. Yep, so, uhm, this cop like pulls us over, man and he, uhm…uh…asked me how fast I was going, ya know, man. And, get this…I said, 55 miles an hour? And the cop said, uh…no. So, I was all like…man, like…65 miles an hour? And that fuckin’ cop is like all, uhm…no. So, I said…like, dude, man…I couldn’t have been going 75 miles an hour? And, you know what that fuckin’ cop said to me, man? Five! And, he’s all holding up his hand like this, dude…like this…and he puts his hand all up in my face and says…five miles an hour! And, then I guess he smelled the vodka on my breathe and well, uhm…arrested me and stuff.”

Does that exchange sound familiar? Well, hopefully not. But why is it that stoners love to talk about times they were stoned.? Well, maybe just…because above all else, really, it’s the one topic all stoners have in common, right?

 

#15 Reading

Well, aside from the liner notes on Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma album, it’s not widely known what it is that stoner’s like reading. But we here at Stuff Stoners like H.Q. suspect that anything penned by the legendary Tommy Chong would be up there topping the list.

Set for release on August 12th (tentatively) is Cheech & Chong: The Unauthorized Autobiography. Written by Chong himself, this new book will detail the history of Cheech & Chong and include lots of stories never before revealed. It’ll also reveal celebrity potheads of the day! Oh, and it contains photos from Chong’s personal stash…

Oh and get this…Tommy Chong will read excepts from his new book in person on August 13th at the Bryant Park Reading Room (42nd St side of the park). Josh Gilbert, director of the A/K/A Tommy Chong, will be be hosting the event.

 

#14 Buying Weed at the Liquor Store

Wouldn’t it be great to walk into a liquor store to grab a six pack and some zig zags and tell the guy behind the counter to toss in some weed with that?

Well get this…there’s a new initiative in Oregon that would allow state-controlled liquor stores to legally sell marijuana to adults. Get out!

Sound too good to be true, right? Well it gets better. Initiative backers say their plan would send 90% of the proceeds to Oregon’s General Fund which could lower state tax burdens.

Oregonian stoners have two years to collect nearly 83,000 signatures to get the measure on the November ballot in 2010.

 

#13 School

School…are you serious?

It’s true, stoners do indeed like school. Especially a school that has a curriculum completely based in marijuana. Located in downtown Oakland California is Oaksterdam University a unique, trend setting trade school offering classes regarding the cannabis industry.

With more than a 100 years of combined experience, teachers are eager to share their cannabis wisdom with the world. Classes include; Politics and Legal Issues, Horticulture, Cooking, Budtending, Advanced Grow Lab, and get this…Glass Blowing!

Now isn’t it about time to put that bong down, put on some pants, and go back to school to get that degree in Cannabusiness?

For more information visit: http://oaksterdamuniversity.com/

 

#12 Tivo

Don’t you just hate distractions? Well, stoners do too, man! When a stoner is high…nothing is more annoying than a knock at the door. Why, well because they’ll miss all the action on TV. When it comes to watching the tube, it’s as important to catch all the clues on the Mole as it is to keep a bowl packed. With that said, Tivo was totally invented with the stoner in mind! The ability to stop and rewind live television is really important to the stoned.

“Hey, man…did you just see that…did Bobby Brady’s bell bottoms bulge as he was kissin’ all up on Millicent? What did KITT just instruct Michael Knight to do with that friggin’ grappling hook? Holy shit, man…did you see the zoomers on that hot green chick that Captain Kirk just felt up? Did that Camaro really flip down that embankment and land on its wheels without Ponch or John noticing?” These are just of few of the vitally important questions stoners have on an hourly basis while smoking a joint in front of the boob toob.

Well, those inquiries and “Did she just say that in as little as six weeks or was it 8 weeks, that I can become a dental hygienist?”

With the advent of Tivo…all the stoner has to do is hit that li’l 10 second rewind button and viola…they’ll be instantly reassured that they too can become a medical front office assistant in just 6 weeks!

With Tivo stoners can take the time to look for that smoldering roach they just dropped in between the couch cushions and not miss a second of Mama’s Family. Go change that bong water, Drew Carey will wait…just hit pause and that big fucking obnoxious showcase showdown wheel will wait for you. Oh, and if you missed that chick bouncing up and down as she was running to her spot on bidders’ row…you know the one…that MILF with the floppy boobs spilling out all over the place…just hit rewind and there they are again.

Yep, with Tivo a stoner can roll a joint and never miss the great deals on the newest Domino’s Pizza commercial again. Tivo…It’s a stoner dream come true.

 

#11 When Customer Service Refuses to Address Your Concerns

Well, let’s take a break.

We’ve discussed 10 things that stoners like…now let’s talk about something they don’t. That something is when an indignant customer service representative refuses to address a stoners concerns.

This is an actual email reply from customer service:

Subject
YOUR COMPANY SUCKS!
Discussion Thread
Response (Priscilla)	06/19/2008 05:52 AM
Hello, Calling people names and wishing immediate death upon our personnel is not the way to get people to help you. Your e-mail is very offensive and your concerns will not be addressed. Priscilla Ticketing Customer Service Department Musictoday, LLC The Artist/Fan Connection www.musictoday.com
Customer (say ten voneryk)	06/18/2008 05:16 PM
I called yesterday right after your web site crashed as I was trying to purchase 2 tickets to the black crowes on 12/19. It was 2:03…some asshole that works there said that the sale was postponed until today at 2pm. Well guess what..that asshole was wrong! now i have no fucking tickets and have jumped through so many god damn hoops for nothing! fuck you! and fuck your company!! I hope whoever reads this DIES IMMEDIATELY! FUCK YOU DIE DIE DIE!!!

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