BREAKING NEWS–Palo Alto CA Pisses Away Tax Dollars and $60 Million Worth of Medicine

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Just how much money would the State of California rake in, oh from the sale of say $60 million worth of medical cannabis? Who knows since Santa Clara County pissed it all away and wasted tax dollars to fund the eradication and ruthless slaughter of 20,000 innocent marijuana plants today.

Worried that the plants might actually fight for their lives, the county wasn’t taking any chances and called in the SWAT team! Those marijuana plants never had a chance as agents from the sheriff’s office marijuana eradication team, the Palo Alto police SWAT team, and the California Department of Fish and Game all worked in concert to remove the two gardens. Officers didn’t arrest anyone, but found several unoccupied camps inside the two gardens they destroyed. Luckily, the Dept. of Fish and Game was paid to be on the scene because there was even evidence of unauthorized hunting too, according to Sgt. Rick Sung of the Santa Clara County Sheriff’s Office.

 

# -4 Matches

Matches are for suckers or for people who don’t have lighters. Why? Because they suck..that’s why. Have you ever tried to spark up a fat bowl with a match? Oh you did…did you? Well, how many times did those matches break before you got in the car and drove to 7-11 to buy a fucking lighter?

Matches, what a joke. You might as well go rub two sticks together or something because matches are just about useless. The wind blows, they go out. The wind changes direction, they go out, you breathe too heavy, they go out. You’re girlfriend farts and well, either you all explode into a million li’l charred stinky bits or the match goes out. Yep, useless little things those matches are. They’re manipulative too…make you think they’re gonna work, make ya think they’re going to help you get high, but nope. All they do is burn your fingers. Matches might as well be prohibitionist because they’re not helping anyone get high.

You ever drop a match in your lap? Of course, who hasn’t? One second you’re lighting a joint with a match,  you’ve got a cheeseburger and the steering wheel in the other hand, hit a bump, and now your crotch is on fire.  Well, that shit doesn’t happen when you drop a lighter.

You pull too hard on a bong rip and out goes that li’l sadistic match. Now you’ve gotta put that hot li’l fucker down and pull off  another. Close the god damn flap find the li’l sandpaper part and try it all over again. All the while you’re missing the A-Team on TV and you’re not even stoned yet!

You know the colloquialism that everyone tells kids, “Don’t play with matches”? You know why folks tell ’em that? Well, it’s reverse psychology, man. If you tell those li’l fuckers not to play with lighters, they’ll actually accomplish starting a fire and burn the fucking house down.

 

# -3 Senseless Violence

You know when Pete Townshend would get all mad at his Rickenbacker and smash it into a million little pieces all over the stage and you’d say to yourself, “Shit, Pete, man…why don’t you just give that fucking beautiful geetar to me?” Well, that’s how stoners feel every time they see some footage of a helicopter lifting up a bail of freshly murdered marijuana or see weed being burned alive or slashed in half with Chancho’s mom’s lucky machete. It’s just so fucking terribly tragic. Why not force us to sit and watch Pineapple Express or a movie that Madonna starred in or something…because that’s just some fucked up shit to show to a stoner.

Really, what sadistic motherfucker likes to see photos or footage of innocent plants being massacred…especially marijuana plants? Seriously, DEA dudes, what did those adorable little harmless plants do to you guys? Don’t you know that plants have feelings? And, because marijuana wants to help humans so much, marijuana has the most feelings of any plant in the whole world. It’s true. Stoners know it, they can see the pain and strife all over those plants just by witnessing the footage or the photographs of such senseless slaughter. Why…oh…why do you have to recklessly destroy life with such pleasure, anti-marijuana dudes?

Maybe it is kinda funny. I mean look at these marijuana eradication dudes…they look just like the guys who hunted that fishy dreadlocked Admaral Akbar looking thing in all those Predator movies, jumping out of military-style helicopters and shit…carrying weapons and wearing camouflage. Wait? Wasn’t one of those dudes saying that “it’s time for debate” on the issue of legalizing marijuana or something? Eh, maybe we were just dreaming. Anyhow, what’s the need for such an arsenal gentlemen, it’s not like those big bad marijuana plants are trying to exterminate you or anything. Wait? Are you guys afraid of a bunch of gardeners or something?

Almost as disturbing as the slaughter of helpless innocent female marijuana plants is the attitude of the reporters and agents on these erradication raids. Have you ever seen ’em? Notice how giddy they appear. It’s not because they think they’re doing the world a favor by destroying it’s medicine or winning the war on drugs or anything. You’d be smiling and all happy as hell too if you were filling an entire helicopter full of free weed to smoke!

 

# -2 Aerosmith

Imagine a bar band dressed in whatever they could find on the dirty floor of a thrift store or stowed away in Davey Jones Locker, with a singer that sorta looks and moves like Mick Jagger in the dark, and you have Aerosmith.

Yeah, we agree that for a second things looked promising when Aerosmith took a look at themselves and realized they were nothing but a magpie act. So they ventured out of their comfy zone of classic rock plagiarism and collabed with Run DMC. Remember that shit? All of a sudden Aerosmith were turning fresh from hesh. Well, that freshness lasted as long as a bong hit. And, that collaboration did for Run DMC what Aerosmith thought it would do for them…give ’em some credibility. But just how much credibility can you have when you share the Super Bowl stage with Mary J. Blige, Nelly, ‘N Stync, and Britney Spears?

It’s not like stoners don’t dig bar bands, or rock and roll, or singers that hang a bunch of fucking bandannas off their microphone stand. Okay that’s not entirely true, we’re not sure if stoners dig that bandanna shit or not. Bandanna danglin’ seems sorta lame and passe. But, who are we to judge? Maybe they’re all vintage and cool. Either way they’re great for singers who can’t actually sing because they’re an awesome way to hide cords going from a microphone to a voice synthesizer. Oh, and speaking of vintage…so what if Aerosmith has been around for a while…are they as vintage as Zeppelin? No…they just look that way because they aren’t aging well and they’re trying to copy everything about Zep.

Instead of adding the lame tune “Dude Looks Like a Lady” to accompany the film Mrs. Doubtfire, which sorta makes sense, they cram pussy-ass power-ballads that even Tom Jones would be a li’l embarrassed to sing, like “Crying” and  “Amazing”, into lousy chick flicks. “Eat the Rich”, how ironic, right? What, is that some song about eating yourselves or something?

Anyhow, here’s the point…why smoke bammer when you can listen to the Rolling Stones? Did you catch how we just compared Aerosmith to bammer weed right there? Because Aerosmith is the schwagg of Rock ‘n’ Roll! Schwagg is still weed and all, but it’s not all super killer and shit like OG Kush or anything. And, if you were going to pirate some marijuana…like if there was some sort of online marijuana Napster…would you download some Aerosmith weed or are you going to go for some nice Sour Diesel?

That’s all we’re saying, man. Sure, smoke…er, uhm…listen to Aerosmith if that’s all you got, man. But, if that’s all ya got we’ll loan you a fucking buck so you can go download something authentic to listen to while you get stoned.

 

# -1 Kids

Sure, they’re cuddly and cute when they aren’t all covered in grape jelly, or snot, or afterbirth. It’s not that stoners don’t dig kids, they think kids are cool, man… it’s just that kids ruin everything and they’re such buzzkills. Just imagine how fucking awesome Chuck E Cheese would be without kids. Getting stoned at that place would totally rule, wouldn’t it? Pizza, beer, flashing lights, unstable structures, bad music from a fuzzy robot band starring a duck, a purple Gimmace-looking monster motherfucker, some dude that looks like Cap’n Lou Albano meets Super Mario all fronted by a big fucking rodent. Sounds like Burning Man and shit, doesn’t it?

You see…being around kids usually requires responsibility. That’s the real shit stoners don’t like; responsibility. And, the kids don’t even have to be yours, bro. That responsibility shit permeates, it’s pervasive when kids are in sight. Who needs responsibility when you’re getting your smoke on and shit? And, seriously nothing kills a buzz faster than changing a diaper. Dirty diapers have nothing but poop and kids in ’em. Nobody likes poop. So kids are totally gross by association.

So here’s just a few more drawbacks to kids. Kids are broke, man. They never have any money on ’em and even if they did, what’s a $5 allowance gonna get ya? You can’t even score a joint for five bucks nowadays. Kids can’t drive. They usually have horrible taste in sandwiches and music and love watching shitty television shows like Barney and Teletubbies. Why are kids surrounded by purple monster motherfuckers all the time? Actually, Teletubbies is purty fucking trippy when you’re stoned, so that’s not really a drawback. But, Kids don’t usually dig watching the game on TV. And, when you mute the TV while the Wizard of Oz is playing and turn up Dark Side of the Moon on the stereo they complain. Kids just don’t get the Yellow Submarine at all AND if you don’t wash ’em every once in a while or keep ’em clean…they begin to smell. And, they’re loud. You think your alarm clock is loud and obnoxious…ever hear a fat kid lose it when the ice cream truck rolls by without stopping?

Man, stoners don’t like kids because they drain wallets leaving no money left for weed, never have a lighter on ’em when you need one, they can’t roll a decent joint to save their lives and all their toys suck nowadays. Those cheap-ass things break the very second you try and transform them from a fucking robot to a dinosaur…and it’s not because you’re stoned! Kids whine all the time. They even whine when they get FREE weed in their McDonald’s Happy Meal. Damn, unappreciative li’l brats. If we got FREE weed in a fuckin’ happy meal, you wouldn’t hear us complainin’. We’d not only be way stoked we’d eat hamburgers every fucking day!

Kids prefer juice in a box or a li’l impossible-to-open pouch over beer, they don’t dig the best part of the pizza, they can’t work a carb, they always get the remote control sticky and they seem to make not only weed dealers nervous but the guys behind the counter at porn and head shops a little nervous too.  So, aside from supplying stoners with a bit of free candy on November 1st kids aren’t really good for anything.

 

BREAKING NEWS–The President of the United States of America is NOT Your Beer Buddy

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The President of the United States of America is NOT your beer buddy, nor should he be. After bringing national attention to an event that happens all the time, to marijuana users, our President Obama invited Vice President Biden to join Harvard Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr., and Cambridge Sgt. James Crowley for beers at the White House on Thursday, to discuss Gates arrest by Crowley after Obama said the Cambridge police acted “stupidly.”

Wait a second, who’s acting “stupidly” Mr. Obama? Isn’t encouraging alcohol consumption acting “stupidly”? Don’t you know that alcohol kills up to 180,000 people a year? Guess how many people die every year from marijuana use? Well, as soon as it happens, we’ll let you know. But, we can tell you that drinking alcohol increases the risk of a number of diseases; degeneration of the liver, infection of the liver, liver cirrhosis, sleeping disorders, sexual problems, infection of the esophagus, infection of the stomach, infection of the pancreas, premature dementia, varying from a reduction of memory to the serious syndrome of Korsakoff; cancer of the mouth, throat, larynx, intestines and breasts; hypertension and heart problems. Funny thing is…several of those ailments can be treated with marijuana.

Alcohol plays an important role in aggression. And, this whole “meet over beers thing” aside from your effort to appear accessible as the “every man” is to alleviate the tension that aggression caused, right? So check this out Mr. President, 40% of all incidents involving aggression occur while under the influence of alcohol. The police spend 22% of their time on cases involving alcohol. So why encourage the use of alcohol? Oh that’s right, you want to buddy up with the people to boost up your approval rating, eh? That sorta reminds us of the old adage of not being your kid’s friend but actually parenting them. Obama, you’re a parent, c’mon now…you aren’t supposed to be our friend…you’re supposed to be our leader, dude!

Why is it that you laugh when marijuana reform is brought up during press conferences? C’mon, we all heard you. We don’t see the humor in rhetoric. Did you know that marijuana appears in almost every known book of medicine written by ancient scholars and wise men and has thousands of possible uses in medicine? But, that’s beside the point, Obama. Weed is fun just like beer (only you don’t risk waking up next to an ugly chick). You could have just as easily brought out a peace pipe instead of shitty domestic beer (yeah, the White House frowns on imported brew) and smoked all your troubles away.

Obama, you said you were going to bring us change. Wasn’t Bush all about good ol’ boys and drinking beer and shit? So what’s changed? C’mon Mr. President, it’s not like you’re unfamiliar with marijuana or anything. You even said “When I was a kid I inhaled frequently. That was the point.” And, speaking of points, here’s ours; it would have been much cooler if you shared a joint with Biden, Gates, and Crowley instead of a drink. But don’t get us wrong, we love beer too, it’s just the hypocrisy we don’t like.

 

BREAKING NEWS—Judge Disallows Medical Marijuana Defense to Multiple Sclerosis Patient

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Multiple Sclerosis sufferer John Wilson of New Jersey is facing 20 years in prison for growing weed in his backyard. He’s accused of first-degree maintaining or operating a drug production facility, second-degree manufacturing and third-degree drug possession. And, to make matters worse the uncompassionate Somerset County Superior Court will not allow the poor guy to use his debilitating multiple sclerosis as a defense for growing medicine!

“Possession of marijuana for personal use, or self-medication, is not a defense for the charges lodged against John Wilson,” Judge Robert Reed said.

How barbaric. Multiple Sclerosis is a disease where the body’s immune system attacks nerve cells resulting in spasms and other health problems. Marijuana not only helps stop these spasms, but it may also keep multiple sclerosis from getting worse. Deputy Attorney General Russell Curley filed a motion asking Reed to bar defense attorney James Wronko from asserting personal use as a defense or referencing Wilson’s medical condition at trial. Wilson insists he was growing it to help alleviate the pain and other symptoms he suffers.

Currently the New Jersey Compassionate Use Medical Marijuana Act is pending. If it does go through and become a law, patients of debilitating diseases, like multiple sclerosis, would have save access to medical cannabis. “But that’s something for the Legislature to decide, not the Judiciary,” said Judge Reed.

“The New Jersey Constitution has reserved to the Legislature the power to legalize and legitimize medical marijuana use,” Reed wrote. “Allowing defendant to assert a medical marijuana defense where it is not relevant to the elements of the crimes with which he is charged is, in effect, judicially legitimizing the personal medical use of marijuana.”

 

BREAKING NEWS–California Initiative to Legalize Marijuana Planned

Get ready Californians…we’ll all soon be able to vote on the legalization of marijuana. Plans are in the works, says Oaksterdam University’s Richard Lee, to submit an initiative to the secretary of state to legalize the recreational use and taxation of pot statewide. “We’ve already hired a professional petition firm to take start collecting the signatures,” Lee says.

The new initiative would allow adults to possess up to a full ounce of weed throughout California. And, it looks to place the control of growing, selling, and taxing cannabis in the hands of individual cities and counties.

“It’s patterned after Texas liquor laws, which leave it up to cities and counties to decide if they want to be ‘dry’ or ‘wet,’ “ Lee said.

The overwhelming popularity of Measure F to increase the tax on marijuana has given rise to this initiative which could eventually legalize marijuana for all adults in California.

 

BREAKING NEWS–Voters Approve Landmark Cannabis Tax In Oakland

We did it! Oakland residents voted Tuesday and overwhelmingly approved a first-of-its kind tax on medical marijuana! So far preliminary results show that Measure F passed with 80% of the vote, says the Alameda County Registrar of Voters.

Measure F is scheduled to take effect at Oakland’s four cannabis dispensaries on New Year’s Day. Currently, a special business tax rate for all those dispensaries is set at $1.20 for every $1,000. The new rate will boost that to $18. According to  Oakland’s auditor it will generate an estimated $294,000 for Oakland based on last year’s annual sales of $17.5 million worth of weed.

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“It’s good business and good for the community,” said Richard Lee, who owns the famous Coffee Shop SR-71 dispensary and Oaksterdam University. What would be even better for business and the community alike would be if the rest of the dispensaries in California follow suit…say, like the 800 or so dispensaries currently operating in the Southern California area.

Supporters of the Legalization Movement feel this is a huge leap forward to legitimizing, regulating, and legalizing marijuana.

 

BREAKING NEWS–Voting Ends in Oakland on Increasing Marijuana Tax

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Today marks the close of mail-in voting for Oakland’s Measure F, a new ordinance that’ll impose a special tax on the sale of medical cannabis in the city’s four dispensaries. If given the green light the measure would make Oakland the first city in the United States to have a business tax category for marijuana merchants. And, why not? Cannabis is this country’s largest cash crop doing a whopping $36 Billion a year. That shit rakes in more cash than corn and wheat combined.

Just last year Oakland alone sold more than $20 Million worth of medical cannabis. Currently those dispensaries are paying a minimum tax of $1.20 for ever $1,000 of weed sold. But get this, those compassionate dispensaries are pushing the envelope of compassion by offering to raise those tax rates to 18 bucks for every $1,000 of weed sold. The marijuana tax would bring in about $400,000 of annual revenue in Oakland alone. If adopted statewide, the taxes could be worth billions. Stay tuned as the results of the ballot will be announced soon.